Well, it appears as though over a year ago I tried to start a "30 day blogging challenge" and I got about 3 blogs in before said "challenge" sunk my blog. I guess being told what I had to write about intimidated me in much the same way it did when I took my SAT's 100 years ago. So I just stopped writing. And now, over a year later... what is it that brings my back to my good old trusty blog? Why it's that pesky old twenty-something angst... that annoying life ingredient that sends most of us out to find ways creative to vent/cope. Some people indulge in drugs, some in drunken karaoke nights... tonight, I choose to blog.
You know what's an overdone topic of complaint in this world? Girls in their late twenties struggling to find love in a massive city filled with obstacles at every turn. Know what I am? .... That. (well, early twenties if you're a casting director reading this. "Can play high school.") The last thing the internet world needs is another blog whining about how hard it is to find love. And to that point I say- fuck you this is my blog and I need to write this to get it out, damnit.
It's funny... we go through these spurts in life. When I had the boyfriend, I wanted the career to pick up. When I lost the boyfriend, I desperately wanted the boyfriend back. When I finally let go of the idea that I would ever get back with the boyfriend (and in retrospect, thank GOD that never happened), the career started to pick up. Now that the career seems to be moving in the right direction- I'm lonely. What the? Why are we so damned needy and never quite 100% satisfied?? And is it possible to have both? Well in my desperation for both, I have made some pretty stupid decisions in the last year in the men department. I'll go into more detail of that in my memoirs in a few years but let's just say, I've made decisions that I'm not all that proud of. I've surprised even myself, and I find myself worse for wear now when all is said and done. Do I regret my bad choices? No. I try to have no regrets and I chock it up to life experience. Am I done making my bad decisions? No, not until I find something better to take said bad decisions place. But damn, it's tough out there. In a moment of hormonal late-twenties panic a few weeks ago, I joined an online dating site on a whim. Now I KNOW what you're thinking... Erica, haven't we been through this already? Don't you already have an entire blog entry about the very harrowing subject of online dating? And to you I say... fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... what the hell am I doing? Yes! It's true. I already KNEW what a mess I was subscribing to when I clicked "Join". And yet... that is how desperate I am feeling right now. So once again I have thrown myself to the barracudas disguised in cheesy usernames, blurry pictures and trying-too-hard self summaries. And already a few weeks later, I'm regretting it. I feel more hopeless than ever as I sift through message after message and feel like the most shallow person on Earth judging people solely on their pictures. Last week I threw myself into dating much like a gladiator throwing himself into a lion's den. So far, all I've gotten out of it is a couple of free coffee's and dinner. One lawyer/mathematician I went out with pummeled me so hard with question after question, cutting off my answers mid-way through with a new inquiry- that I wasn't sure if I was on a date or on the witness stand. I started looking for an out when he pointed at my hair and said "so what's the deal with that, is that real?" (regarding my color.) Ah, be-still my heart. And he's just one of many winners. I'm trying to practice all of these "give people a chance" principles I'm learning in my latest self-help book. But damn, some of these guys make it real hard. I'm already ready to be done with the online dating because it feels like an annoying chore, but I may stay on it SOLELY for entertainment purposes and maybe because it will get me blogging again.
I wish I wasn't this lonely. I wish I could kick that stupid feeling and just continue to go around kicking ass as a single gal all day every day. And most of the time when I'm busy, it's all good, I'm totally okay. But it's moments when I'm alone, usually at night, that I start to get all Meg Ryan on myself. It really would be nice to find the proper companion. And I want to find him, I really do- as jaded and "independent woman" as I try to be. So I'm going to keep searching dangit. Maybe not for long on the interwebs because I really don't see that working out... but by continuing to do what I love with my life in hopes that it will also put me on that path where I will run smack dab into him when the timing is right. (I just hope he's better looking than Tom Hanks.)
Stay tuned for more interesting "dating" stories....