30 Day challenge- Day 1- Single Life

Every time I think about blogging I panic. "What will I write about? How can I keep my (3) readers interested?? What do I have to say for myself??" I still haven't quite figured out a "theme" for this here blog yet. (Which is fine since the title covers it all. Ummm... Erica. That's pretty much all you're gonna get.)

In order to give myself SOME structure (30 days worth to be exact), I've decided to take the 30 day meme that's floating around on LJ (old school, I know) and post my answers here. Without further ado, here's 30 things you probably weren't dying to know about me but are sure to find (mildly) fascinating (they will be answered one entry at a time):

Day 01: Your current relationship. If single, discuss being single

Day 02: Where you'd like to be in 10 years

Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 04 - Your views on religion
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit
Day 14 - Your earliest memory
Day 15 - Your favorite blogs
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year
Day 18 - Your beliefs
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents
Day 20 - How important you think education is
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous and who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you?
Day 27 - A problem that you have had
Day 28 - Something that you miss
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days

DAY 01: Your current relationship. If you are single, discuss being single

Yes loyal readers it is true, I am currently involved in a sordid relationship- with myself. I think this is a very appropo question to start with because it has been a topic at the forefront of my mind/therapy sessions lately. Those who have known me for a while know that I do not normally fair well in the world of singledom. I do not typically enjoy being single and/or lonely- hence my penchant for imaginary friends that started as a toddler and mayormaynotstillcontinuetothisday. I've never been good at being alone, and ever since my first official boyfriend at the age of 17, I've bounced in and out of relationships much like Lindsay Lohan bounces in and out of jail/rehab. Those who know my most recent history know I've been "technically" single for a little over 2 years but "more realistically" single for about 10 months. This is one of the longest stretches of single life that I've had, and it hasn't been easy- until recently. I can honestly say that for the first time in my LIFE, I am embracing being single. And you know what? Once I made the decision to, it hasn't been half bad! Here's what I realized: When you're single, you get to do whatever the hell you want. There is no one to answer to, no one to explain yourself to, no one to impress, no one to worry about. Everything is about me. And as selfish as that sounds- it's important to recognize that (despite having a self-titled blog and 1200 pictures on facebook), I never make it about me. I have spent the majority of my life making it about everyone else around me. I am a people pleaser and spent the bulk of my youth trying to change and mold myself to impress others because for some reason it was important that the mean girls in middle school liked me (or at least stopped making fun of me), or that the "cool kids" in high school embraced me. I have been doing a TON of soul searching in the past 2 years... all that "searching for myself" stuff... and I've finally found it. Without having anyone I feel a need to impress or mold myself for- I can just be me, and be happy that way. And I really do like me, she's actually pretty cool. Ironically, this is supposed to be the thing that draws the "right" people to me and eventually the man of my dreams is supposed to run into me at a Starbucks or something. In the meantime, I'm enjoying being a single girl in NYC. I get to date whomever/whenever I want, go out and party when I feel like it, and watch all of my friends around me in pain-in-the-ass relationships complain while I plan my next Vegas adventure/ski trip/Jersey Shore-marathon-dinner-extravaganza.

The Misadventures of Online Dating

On December 7th of 2010, I hit the two year Anniversary of my own personal "Day that will live in Infamy" (coincidentally mine lands on the same day as the famed one of 1941)... This marks the day that my last relationship of almost 2 years was blown to smithereens much like Pearl Harbor was 67 years prior. (Too soon?... neh.) Around my birthday a few weeks before, with the pending anniversary of my last major heartbreak looming... I decided it was time to take some drastic measures. After all, Carrie Bradshaw would have me believe that I've wasted entirely too much time on such a thing... I was way past the due date for "moving on". Like it or not, it was time for me to fling myself into the deep end of one of the most un-welcoming and treacherous pools of life- the dating pool.

Now I know what you're thinking... "Wow, dating in NYC! What an adventure!" I am here to assure you however, that you are sorely mistaken. You see, searching for love in New York City is much like searching for a needle in a mine field. In my particular case it is made extra hard when you consider the types of places that I frequent (musical auditions and piano bars), which are chock full of GORGEOUS, sweet and incredible men- who just so happen to only want to sleep with other men. Womp womp. So for me, it's pretty rare to find myself in locations loaded with suitable straight guys. Confused as to how to go about visiting such places when all of my female companions are already shacked up and taken, I decided to skip past awkwardly going out alone and hop straight onto the nitty gritty ominous road of online dating. (Dun dun dun...)

Armed with an arsenal of headshots, sarcastic descriptions of myself, and a generous grant from my all-too-eager parents (*on the CONDITION that along with my site of choice, I also join their beloved J-Date... the Jewish guilt rages on, even as I'm inching towards the big 3-0), I created my profiles and got in the game. Half-reluctant, quarter-hopeful, and quarter-desperate, I slowly started to peek through other profiles and watched the messages, winks, and "oy-vey's" fly in. It's exciting for about the first 30 minutes, until you realize that you're sifting through pictures of human beings the way you sift through paint swatches when considering a new change in the living room. Two months and almost 200 messages later, this journey has been quite a whirlwind already... and to be honest, the most that I have gotten from it are some stories that serve as great blog fodder. Hence, this blog that I am writing right now.

Let me introduce you to some gems:

Incident one: PERSISTENT PETER.

Ah, the beloved Peter. Probably the gemmiest of the gems. This is a 38-year old divorcee who closely resembled the human-form of a salamander. Even his profile picture screamed "I just might keep human body parts in my fridge". He sent me a couple "VIP" messages, which meant that I HAD to read them (the website forces you.) Just by the looks and sound of him I was definitely not interested, and ignored his first two VIP emails. This was the 3rd I received:

"No offense, and I know that I may not fit your exact plan, but you would have loved meeting me. I know that sounds ridiculous to the ear but it is true. I think that you are incredibly attractive. I am a former athlete, I write music, I make everyone and anyone laugh, I am a great listener, I am incredibly successful at what I do, but i don't take myself too seriously and am involved in all kinds of charities that would melt your heart. anyway, after you meet another 30 guys and get no where, you should seriously rethink responding to me before i get myself too deep into something else."
Peter

Oh. My. LORD! Was this guy FOR REAL?? For those of you who have heard the "Dmitri the Stud" voice mails... this is where my mind went immediately. My very own Dmitri! (For those who haven't, you must!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZ83use8YE8) Charities that would "melt my heart"?? Respond before he gets himself too deep into something else?? (Like a sexual harassment suit or something?) This guy was hilarious! But in all the wrong ways. Once again, I let the message go unanswered. Bad idea. The very next day, another message:

"this gadget said that you looked at my profile again. With my hand over my heart, I swear that you would have more fun with me than you would with anyone that you can possibly find here or anywhere (you have to give me a little credit for having the gumption to make that claim). I really am certain of it. Even if you spoke on the phone with me for two minutes you could tell. Peter"

The reason the "gadget" told Peter I was looking at him, was because I wanted to rub in my moms face the caliber of men that were after me on J-date like unfed dogs on a piece of (kosher) meat. I read the first message out loud to my family in the car and we all had a look at his pictures and a good laugh at his expense. I still could not believe that this guy and his "gumption" were real. Again, I ignored it.

Apparently, he's persistent:

"i think one day, in a moment of unexplained conviction (not confusion) you are going to ask me to meet you for coffee or a drink (or at least speak on the phone). You may find this shocking, but I really get lots of messages on this very surreal web site. I just have a feeling that I would make you laugh and that you might be surprised."

Finally I gave in and wrote him back. I told him he was right, he HAS made me laugh, but not in the way he intended. I asked him to please stop pestering me and take the hint that I've given 4 times now- I am not responding because I am not interested. He FINALLY got the message. And thus endeth the saga of the Peter. I'm just glad it's not my skin he's wearing tonight as he applies red lipstick and dances around in his basement cave...

INCIDENT 2: WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' MILKSHAKES.

I can't remember the name of the guy in this story. We will call him D-bag, and I will let you figure for yourselves what that might stand for. In this case, D-bag and I exchange pleasantries via email, and he asks me out. I agree, and suggest coffee. He writes back that he's not really a coffee drinker, and can we grab a drink instead? I'm not the biggest drinker in the world. I work in bars and can drink for free if the mood strikes me, but otherwise I don't tend to go out of my way for it. I especially don't like to drink in situations with new men that I have never met, when I am trying to give an accurate first impression of myself. I tell him that I'm not the biggest drinker and would prefer a first date outside of a bar, and I playfully suggest milkshakes instead.

D-Bags response:

"Haha I'm not sure I can remember the last time I had a milkshake. To be honest, I'm not really at the stage in my life where I'm doing coffee (or milkshakes) on a first date so no hard feelings but I'm not sure this is such a great idea."

And thus endeth my correspondence with the alcoholic who is "not in the stage in his life where he can roll with the punches, have a good time and treat a lady like the lady she deserves to be treated like". I fish back to his profile, and am reminded that this guy wasn't even cute, he was one of the "less attractive ones" I was willing to give a chance to. C'est la vie.

This... along with almost 200 messages (85% of them from people I'm not interested in) does not exactly have me singing the praises of online dating. I have been on a number of dates... some pleasant with great conversation but guys I don't feel that chemistry with, some absolute disasters (one in which I literally had to dodge a kiss and crawl out of the guys grasp while jumping onto a train and avoiding eye contact as I left him bumbling for words on the platform). Already, I'm tired of the game. It's hard to be excited to go on dates with people you've only seen in an online form. No matter how many pictures you look at, it's ALWAYS a blind date- and those are scary and have the most potential for super suckage. Think about it, if you HAPPEN to get lucky and meet someone one night while you're out and about, and you find yourselves attracted to each other and feel that great chemistry- then YES, of course it's exciting when you arrange a first date together. You know that you like this person, you get the excitement and butterflies, and all the John Mayer songs make sense (until he most likely spends the date texting someone else or has a secret Jesus fetish you didn't know about. What, me? Bitter? Nooo!) But when you are setting up date after date with someone you haven't had the chance to test the actual chemistry with... it gets quite exhausting. Not to mention, having to tell your story over and over again.

Here are some of the lessons I've learned about online dating:

1. A guy is only as cute as his WORST picture. (And a lot of the time, even that is better looking than he turns out to be.)

2. I don't like foreigners. Now, this is not one of my usual "oops is that racist?" moments... I have nothing against foreigners in the rest of the areas of my life (um hello, I miss my former Mexican roommate more than LIFE and I adore the Korean ladies that do my nails.) I just mean that it's hard to date someone from another country- especially ones with thick accents that I don't understand (I'm looking at you French people). Now more than ever I am so so so sure that my attraction to white anglo-saxons (mostly from the Midwest) is not at all coincidental- it's just my "thang". And lack of 'em on J-date be damned... there's got to be at least ONE amongst the billions of people in the world that will suit my (and my parents?) needs.

3. It is never ever cute to hear how "hot" you think I am. This is never a good pick up line! I don't know why guys are CONSTANTLY using it! This is NOT a good first impression, and I can't stand when it's the first line in a message. I am hot, and you are clearly inarticulate and insensitive. NEXT.

4. Out of all of the things on the list that I am looking for in a man, blue eyes continue to trump all other requirements. I am probably skipping over a lot of great guys who are lacking in this arena. But this goes back to the "paint swatch" theory of online dating.

5. It is impossible to find chemistry this way. True, honest-to-goodness "I looked into his eyes and then I could not look away because my knees locked and my heart started to pound and I could feel my cheeks blushing" chemistry is SUCH a rare thing. I walk the streets of this packed city every day and look into the eyes of hundreds of people and it's so rare to ever feel any sort of connection. So what makes people think that by sifting through online profiles, finding someone who seems cute and interesting, and meeting in person is going to render up that nearly impossible-to-find feeling? The odds are SOOOOOOOOO damn near impossible. This is the biggest lesson I've taken away from this experience.

It happens when you're not looking. That's the message they've all been beating me on the head with for two years. And I shake my defiant noggin' and wonder HOW in hell I'm supposed to just "stop" looking for something that every part of me wants so badly? I can tell myself a hundred times a day "stop looking stop looking stop looking", but I still get a little Pavlov's dog-like when I lock irises with another pair of blues for a moment. In spite of how nutty I find the "happens when you're not looking" concept to be... it is absolutely true. I was recently smacked in the face with some proof of that, which leaves me hopeful. Life is funny like that- in the one moment that you really do finally stop... perhaps because you're in a place where it's silly to be looking, or you just get so wrapped up in something else (like, I don't know... living your own life?), it falls on you with the force of 3,000 dead birds in Arkansas. (That's right. I read some news today.)

So that's the goal for now. To just, "stop looking". Online dating has forced me to get out and be social, which was the whole reason I joined in the first place. I wanted to experience "dating" again. I wanted to remember what it's like to talk about myself on a completely clean slate, to be TREATED, and WELL by a man (ah what a welcome change), and to re-build my confidence as I continue wading through this mine-field, not really looking for anything in particular.

bus rides are my life?

I don't know why it is I can only seem to be motivated to blog when I'm on a megabus. Once again i'm en route from Boston to NYC after a singing gig with a dance company out there. I'm actually almost home (at 2am. Yippee!) I should've blogged on the way TO Boston because that ride was a lot more eventful. And by eventful I mean harrowing. Oh that's right... I COULDN'T blog on that trip because for one, the internet on the bus was down. I know what all of you born pre-1975 are saying.... "oh you poor thing... having to ride a bus without the internet?? How could you possibly survive?" And to you I say.... I know, right?? Seriously though, it was an annoyance since I dragged my computer on this trip solely for the purpose of hoping to get work done on the long bus rides. (And by work we know I mean update facebook every 14 minutes and click on various unneccessary links for 4 hours. But hey, I worked on my resume a little bit and stuff so- work actually did happen on this trip back!) Back to the nightmare that was my trip up... so here I was, sans internet/computer... having to do everything through my iPhone (PROPS to my iPhone by the way. What would I do without it?) Eventually it decided it wanted me to rip some of my hair out so the touch screen decided to go wonky on me and stop working properly. I ended accidentally deleting an important email while simultaneously sending a nonsensical one to the wrong address. I have no idea how that was even possible, but it happened. After a reboot the phone started working normally again (thankfully.) All was ok, until the woman seated behind me started getting more phone calls than TSA's complaint department. It was made all the more annoying by the fact that she was speaking in French, and was clearly either hard of hearing or Linklater trained judging by the intense volume of her voice. When we were SUPPOSED to be an hour away from Boston, we got stuck in dead-stop traffic. We sat there on the highway for an hour without moving. When we finally started again I figured okay we'll be a bit behind... but BOY was I wrong. I looked up to see we were only by Hartford! So a 4 hour bus ride was really actually going to take 6 hours. The icing on the cake though, was the man sitting next to me. This man decided hey, I'm on a 4 hour bus, might as well sleep. Not a bad plan right? WRONG for this man. This man was a snorer. And I don't mean a bit of heavy breathing here and there. I'm talking he must have had a dying hampster lodged in his throat and vuvuzela's implanted in each nostril because I have never ever heard such LOUD and irritating noises coming out of a human being. And this continued on... getting louder and louder for the most part... for 3 hours. THREE HOURS. Let me tell you something- there is not much I can think of that is more irritating than the grating sound of a loud and obnoxious snore going on for 3 hours. After the 3 hour mark I could feel myself starting to really panic. The thing about me is, I'm pretty darn passive. I will bubble up with all of the anger/annoyance in the world but I will keep that all to myself and suffer in silence. I tried shoving his foot with mine a couple times, to no avail. But it was really starting to break me. I was like, near panic at some points. Seriously, I had to take half a valium it was that bad! I had my ipod on and BLASTING in my ears, and still I could hear him. The rest of the bus could too, and we all joked about it a couple times. I even tried blasting my music out loud for the bus to hear in hopes that he'd wake up, but nothing. Eventually I called my mom and was complaining to her. My mom is the kind of woman who has NO problem waking up a total stranger and telling him to stop the damn snoring. She kept yelling at ME to just wake him up. Finally, after having her scream "DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT" in my ear over and over, I threw the phone onto the empty seat next to me, sucked up all of my courage and grabbed the man to wake him up. "Scuse me sir... I'm so sorry but... you've been snoring..." (Oh LORDDD was that awkward for me.) His response was "hey don't call me sir, i'm not that old!" but he did wake up and grab a book. Ahhhh success. I can't put the relief I felt into words (Although that was probably partly valium-induced too.) The rest of the ride was okay, except he eventually fell back asleep with the book open. Typical.
This ride home has been smooth and awesome. There are about 10 of us on this double decker bus. Only 2 other people on the first floor with me. I have a whole table to myself, my beloved internet, and we've cruised the whole time. I feel like i'm on a private jet, lol. Regardless, I think i'm staying away from long road trips for a while. I've been doing a LOT of them, and I feel like I just need to be home for a bit.
Oh by the way on an unrelated note- I turned 27 two weeks ago. It definitely does feel different than 26. It's been... a pretty emotionally heavy 2 weeks so I haven't been able to just sit back and "enjoy 27" just yet... but hopefully soon. I have big plans for 2011, I just haven't figured them out yet. I'll get back to you on that.

Shutting Down- A Poem

See kids? A serious post. It happens, once in awhile. I wanted to share a poem I just wrote, because they are very hard for my brain to come by lately. (And by "lately" I mean for like, the last 5 years. That's a LONG time to have creative-writing block! Frustrating.) But yes, sometimes when emotions and situation calls for it, I can actually squeeze something half decent out. So of course I need to document it!

Enjoy, or whatever you do with poems.

Shutting Down

I am packing up my feelings
and the care I had for you
And I’m stuffing them inside a box
And marking “Good as new”
I am leaving them outside
On the stoop out in the rain
And just hoping that the garbage men
Can handle all that pain

I am shutting down emotions
Pressing pause on every tear
And I’m forcing myself to accept
That you’re no longer here.
I am turning off the hurting
I am forcing a goodbye
Cause the moment you shut off from me
I lost the will to try.

So I’m wiping out the memories
I’m erasing all the good
I will focus on reality
The way they’ve said I should
I will dim the flames of caring
I will start my life anew
And I’ll shut down what’s left of my love
As I detach from you.

But the biggest task I have to face
While taking me apart
Is the nearly impossible job
Of shutting down my heart.
Even though the thing is broken
And it has been for some time
It has kept up with it’s beating
Just pretending it was fine.
But the beating was a symbol
Of the hope I clung on to
As I ignored all the evidence-
I’d already lost you.
But I’ll strangle out the wishes
I will shut that muscle down
And I’ll keep it locked up tightly
Til I’ve shut your memories out.
I’ll keep it powered down
Until I cannot feel a thing
And then I’ll wait until my strength is back
and start re-powering.

The Karaoke Contest that wasn't

Well here I am on the Megabus again. This seems to be the only time I can find the motivation to blog. (Mostly because I am confined to a single chair for 4 hours with nowhere to go and only a computer to entertain me. I can only sit on facebook for so long...) I am on my way back from my final trip to Boston for what I'm guessing will be a while. I had to go back for the finals of that karaoke contest I've been talking about. I made it through 3 rounds to the finals last night, where only 7 of us remained (after months of competition.) I walked into the Cathay Pacific Restaurant with my eye on the prize ($1000 first prize, not too shabby.) Upon entering to the tacky decor of the venue, my eye was soon struck by something I was definitely not expecting- at least 150 people hustling and bustling about, getting ready to watch the contest. Keep in mind, I have been through 2 other qualifying rounds for this thing and at MOST there would be maybe 35-45 people. Just a few tables filled up. Now, they had opened up an entire second ROOM and the place was PACKED. Immediate freak-out ensued. The problem was, this thing was being decided by popular vote based on the audience. If there is one thing I have always failed at, it's anything involving "Popular vote". It's been that way ever since 7th grade when I first tried running for student council, wanting to represent my homeroom class. Little did I know that even though I had every intention of getting in there and trying to make a difference for my school, running to represent your class had nothing to do with your political intentions. Instead, it had everything to do with how "popular" you were and how many kids in your class liked you/wanted to be you/wanted to date you/were afraid of you. I was crushed by Chris Mackay, the local skater kid who I'm fairly sure had no idea what the words "Student government" meant or what he was even running for, and probably never attended a meeting. Regardless, I never bothered to try running for student council again (or to do anything that required votes from the people around me.)

So back to the contest. I walked in to find that my competitors had brought out their posse's. Unfortunately for me, I do not have a posse. Definitely not in Boston, nor anywhere really. I can't even get people to come see me sing in exchange for free alcohol! I'm not even sure most of the people I know would show up if I gave out free bails of money. I came equipped only with my good friend Judith who was awesome enough to pick me up from the bus station AND let me crash with her. Jordan showed up later too, so that gave me a total of 3 guaranteed votes (myself included). The only other white girl competitor was sitting at the table behind me- and by table I mean 5 tables pulled together to seat the 40 people she brought to vote for her. (Together we made up the only white clientele in the room. We know how much I LOVE this because it means an enthusiastic audience for me!)

I was sweating bullets right from the get go. It's been a long time since I've competed in anything, and awhile since I've sung for that many people. The rest of the competition were good... I called the first place winner the minute he opened his mouth. He is a regular at this karaoke venue and has a huge following and a great voice, and I thought he for sure deserved to win. The only other competition that made me go "hmmm there goes my chance of winning one of the cash prizes" was a woman who dressed up and did Tina Turner's "Proud Mary" complete with wig, a costume under a trench coat, and dance moves. She wasn't particularly vocally talented, but based on the crowd we were playing to (and a BUNCH of voters she brought with her) I knew she was probably taking one of those cash prizes home. I sang last and I definitely sang well, the audience was very receptive. But alas, they could only vote for one person and those who didn't already have allegiance to someone they came with I have a feeling mostly voted for the first place winning guy. So when all was said and done, I did not win a cash prize. Instead they gave me a $100 gift certificate to the restaurant we were at, which I cannot imagine ever gracing with my presence again. (Unless I have a craving for mediocre crab rangoon and giant scorpion bowls and a hankering for some cheesy oriental decor.) It was a bummer not to win, I've been in it all this time to try and get some of that cash, but when all was said and done it ended up not having anything to do with my talent, and everything to do with the fact that I have little to no friends. Unpopularity thwarts my hopes again. (I'm convinced in my next life I will come back as the coolest kid in school. I deserve it.)

All said and done though, I'm still glad I went. As John wisely said to me "One of the things about competing in something we care about- we only live once and that is excitement and living to the max. Few people get to do that." It was exciting and fun and I know things would've turned out differently if there were actual judges. I still love Boston and loved all these little trips there to see people and spend time out of hot and smelly NYC.

So what did we learn from this experience?

1. Black people still love to hear a skinny white girl belt some Whitney Houston. (the "sing it girl"'s that I got right at the start of my performance really pushed me to do my best.)

2. The school counselor can suck it, popularity IS important and it can totally ruin your goals not having it.

3. No more competing in karaoke contests judged by the audience unless I miraculously make 1000 friends (or pay people off to come vote for me.)

4. Restaurants with snack machines IN them are the classiest of joints:

5. I just can't contain myself around people with Afro's.

And most importantly, though few and far between I highly value the friends that do come out and show me support and love. For these, I am lucky.

Thanks to Judith and Jordan for joining me for the Finals

(Also thanks to Vicki, Dmitriy, Julie, Jordans friend Dan, Carolyn and her BF, Carisa (BIG thanks to Carisa for not only supporting but DRIVING me to the last round) for coming to previous rounds and helping me get through. And also a shout out to John for being super supportive and encouraging throughout the whole process/talking me through when I was kinda freaking out before the finals.)

And with that, time to get back to drowning out the various languages being spoken that I cannot decipher on this bus by plugging in my itunes and stalking people on the internet.

Adios!

My first song on guitar

So remember a couple of blogs ago when I mentioned that I bought a guitar that handles like a tinker-toy at Target? Well I fought through my initial desire to trash it after the first try, and gave it a second try... and a 3rd... and what do you know, I finally know like 6 chords! That's enough to write like, a billion songs on guitar! (But screw the F chord- seriously, who thought of that?)

Last week I was sitting around with my toy guitar mutilating my fingers so that I can finally have those "callouses" that they say will make it hurt less (I mean, who doesn't enjoy exposed bits of flesh on the pads of their fingertips?), and inspiration hit me for a new song. I won't go into details, but I will share the youtube post of my masterpiece.

I give you, "Thank God for Your Face", the first song I've ever written on guitar. Mind the playing skills, they are still being worked on. Here's hoping that many more hilarious tunes ensue!

Please watch, comment (if you like it. If you don't, it was probably about you.), rate (well), show your first born, etc.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ92E4wO1mw

Enjoy. A longer post to come as soon as I find the motivation I seem to have misplaced with my cleaning skills and rationality.

A serious Blog

I think it’s time for my first serious blog. I’ve intended to keep this thing as light as possible but last week I had an experience that needs to be written about, and it’s not the lightest material. But still, I feel a need to write about it, so here we go.
On Sunday the 25th, I was headed home from visiting Carisa (aka I accidentally locked myself out of my apartment just as a huge thunderstorm was starting so I had no choice but to taxi cross-town and hang out with her until my roommate got home) when I decided I wanted a Starbucks. So I took the route from the train to the one 2 blocks from my house. As I rounded the corner onto 85th street, I noticed several ambulances and a crowd of people at the end of the block (in front of my Starbucks.) I didn’t think TOO much of it, as ambulances are as frequent as piles of garbage in NYC. I noticed people looking up, and thought hmmm… maybe a fire or something? Like most people my curiosity gets the best of me and I am drawn to these massive crowds. I walked up and noticed that people looked very serious, and very upset. I asked the girl closest to me what was going on. “Somebody jumped” was her response. This is when I really noticed the scene directly across the street from me at Starbucks. The courtyard was roped off with police tape, and from where I stood I saw a lower half of a body lying motionless on the ground behind the half-wall in front of the store. “Did you see it??” I asked, suddenly overcome with nausea. “No, but I heard it. I live right here, across the street, and I heard a loud thud and came out to see. You can see him!” She pointed out what I was already looking at. Just at that moment the paramedics came over with the white sheet to cover him. People were pointing at different windows on the building directly above the Starbucks, trying to figure out exactly where he came from. There were people hanging out of windows in that building looking down on what happened. Everyone passing by stopped. Even children were asking “what happened”? It was by far the most awful sight I’ve come across in all of my time in NYC thus far. The scene was chilling, and even the officers didn’t really seem to know what to make of it… It took me a long time to get myself to move, and I had to cross the street and pass RIGHT by the courtyard as I headed home. I couldn’t peel my eyes away and even though I knew it would upset me I looked over at the sheet-covered body as I walked right past it. I also passed the table with the witnesses who were being interviewed by police… and thought to myself “THOSE poor women will never be the same.” Had I arrived 10 minutes earlier, I would have been one of them. I always drink my coffee in that courtyard. I thank GOD that I was not there for that.
It haunted me for days. I searched the internet like crazy for any news on this person. There is barely anything. One tiny blurb from the Post. His name was Todd Crockett. He was 37 years old. He was married. He was quiet and kept a clean apartment. He jumped from the 17th floor. He left no suicide note.
Suicide happens every day, I know. And I know jumpers are quite common in NYC. But this is the first time I’ve encountered it THIS up close and personal, and I can’t help feeling like I need to know WHY. What happened that was SO drastic in this guy’s life that plunging 17 stories into a populated Starbucks courtyard seemed to be his only option? I wish there was some explanation. Yea, it was a crappy day. It was rainy and depressing and hot. But I jus t can’t seem to fathom what can get someone to THAT point… where they are standing on the ledge of their 17th floor apartment window and the only decision that seems to make sense in a moment of utter panic, pain and confusion is to jump and take your own life? It makes me feel SO sad for him. I have seen and felt the kind of pain that makes you feel like you can’t go on. I’m sure most of us have had similar moments. But in making it through them, and then experiencing the precious moments of sheer joy that you also get to have throughout life… those are the moments that make you realize what a gift this one chance at life is… and the fact that someone would rob themselves of that, it just breaks my heart. YES times can get rough. Your heart gets broken so many times in one lifetime! But it only breaks because it has been filled with such love and joy for someone/something, and that in itself is a miraculous gift. The fact that we can love, that we can experience happiness on such incredible levels. That wonderful people and events come into our lives and fill our hearts with elation. You can’t always hold on to the things you treasure forever, but the fact that you ever had something to treasure should be enough to make you want to go on and find the rest of the gifts life holds for you. I feel very sad that this man Todd lost sight of that. That he felt there was nothing left for him. He was only about 10 years older than me. I personally cannot wait to see what life has in store for me in the next 10 years and beyond, God-willing.
So in memory of this man who left life way too soon, stop and take a second to examine all of your blessings. Take a mental note of all of the love in your life. Your family, your friends, your loves past and present. Hug all of those people and tell them you love them. Even if it’s just in your blog. (NOTE: Hugs and love to ALL of my family, friends and loves past.) Cherish your life. And when you feel like you’re sitting on the edge and can’t seem to figure out a way to get off of it (hopefully METAPHORICALLY, don’t anyone reading dare to actually get on a ledge!), stop- take a breath- think of whatever it is that you love. Your dog or cat, your parents or siblings, a joke that a friend told you, McDonalds Cinna-melts. Remember that life is full of incredible moments that balance out the bad ones. And remind yourself that you want to stick around for more of those.
Rest in Peace Todd- I’m sorry that it got so bad you could see no other way.