On bullying...

So I've got a shocking fact for you that you will find completely hard if not impossible to believe (I know I do)....... it has been ten years since I graduated high school. TEN YEARS!  Which of course means that a few weeks ago, I was summoned to the almighty ten year high school reunion.  Now I had always envisioned that I would go to my reunion, it never crossed my mind that I would miss it. I mean 10 years ago when I imagined going to the reunion I thought "It'll be GREAT!  I'll finally have gained some weight and grown boobs, i'll be married to some hot rich guy, I'll be a broadway star- everyone will envy me!"  And now 10 years later, while I've thankfully put on at least a few pounds and sprouted some boobage, I find myself completely lacking in the hot rich man department and so far I'm only an Off-Broadway "star". But screw it, I went anyway. For a second I thought about Romy and Michelle-ing it and telling everyone I have a Tony Award but then remembered how the lying in that movie went for them and reminded myself that I don't have a fierce 3 person dance number to break into if I get caught, so I just stuck with the truth.  And you know what? I still had so much to be proud of.  This was the first time I've ever been in a high school setting and felt completely comfortable.  And even with a stress fractured foot and recovering from a stomach virus I caught that morning- I still looked and felt pretty awesome. So all in all, I'm glad I went.  All of the nostalgia of touring my high school and seeing old familiar faces caused me to go home and get all sappy with my yearbooks. I actually enjoyed high school for the most part, it's where I discovered my flair for the dramatic and got super into the whole Thespian thing, which allowed me to embrace my totally weird self and be proud of who I was blah blah blah.  But it was dipping into my middle school yearbooks that made me recall a completely different and obviously repressed part of my life. We hear stories of bullying all of the time now, and I'm glad it's being brought to the forefront and that there are now campaigns against it. Because I had tucked my memories of being bullied soooo far away not even Jack Bauer could access them. That doesn't mean they're not there though, and I found some nasty reminders of it, which brought me back to this blog today.

I was picked on in middle school.  Shocker, right? I feel like 90% of people were picked on in middle school. The other 10% were the a-holes doing the bullying, and hopefully most of them are fat and bald now with nothing to show for themselves. That's just how I always envisioned it would be. I was a very skinny and gangly kid with huge frizzy hair and a mouth full of braces.  Don't believe me? 

Behold, Exhibit A. 

I share this with you only because I'm confident enough with myself now that I no longer mind if you laugh at me. I'd laugh at me too. I mean, it was pretty rough. Along with the boyish good looks and finger-in-an-electric-socket hair, I also had a rockin' sense of style:

(also some of the only proof that I was once a brunette.)

So yes, did I "deserve" to get picked on?  I'd say I made pretty good bully meat. But still, this really doesn't serve as a great excuse. The truth is, there is no excuse for bullying. Because to put it scientifically: It is just douchey. I was mostly picked on for being thin, which I've always been. I was accused of eating disorders from age 11 up, even when I didn't know or understand what they were. But I assure you loyal readers, I consumed more McDonalds cheeseburgers in high school than Snooki consumed alcohol on the Jersey Shore.  I am eating disorder free, unless you count an obsession with carbohydrates as an eating disorder. If that's the case, call me Calista Flockhart. (Ah see, here I go bullying! Which defeats my point! I take it back Calista, you are beautiful and far more successful than I will probably ever be.) 

I digress. (What's new?) Whilst reading the signatures in my middle school yearbook, there were a few here and there that referenced my weight (or lack there of.) People lovingly nicknaming me "Skinny Bones", "Bones", etc. A couple people telling me to please eat something, or "Eat a burger". (I STILL get that and it annoys me more than anything but I'll save that for another blog.) But then I rolled across one gem which brought memories of emotional torture rolling back to me: My bus bully, Mitch Sklawer.

Like I said, I repressed most of the bad memories of middle school. Hell, I seem to have repressed most of the good ones too, or maybe I'm just that old and can't remember. It WAS 15 years ago. But there was this one obnoxious 9th grader on my bus when I was a wee 7th grader and newbie to Palmetto Middle School. His name was Mitch Sklawer, and for lack of a better word (which he doesn't deserve): He was a dick.

I can't remember specifics, nor do I want to. But I remember dreading taking the bus every day. Trying to stay out of his way and be invisible so as not to get picked on. And worst of all, never standing up for myself. How I wish I could go back in time, frizzy hair and all, and tell him off. But we can't know our own strengths when we're in that awkward phase of our lives. And even the kids that talk back get continuously tortured. That's how bullies work. This is the message Mitch left me in my 7th grade yearbook:

It may not look like much, but I can still hear his dickish voice saying such things to me. I used to always sit and fantasize that one day, I would have my revenge. My retribution. That yes maybe I was awkward, but it wouldn't always be that way... and one day I'd "show him".  15 years later, I don't really care anymore. However I DID decide to facebook stalk Mr. Sklawer, to see where he's at now, and I was very pleased to find that 15 years later, he is still as unattractive as ever.  

So, I suppose this blog is my retribution. I will happily say Thank you Mitch, I DID keep up with the small clothes, and I do indeed look better. Much better. And you sir, do not. And I'm willing to put money on it that you're probably still a dick.  So all in all, I win.

I found another one of my "bullies" in the yearbook, a girl who constantly made me feel like crap about myself, and was reminded that she totally looked like a warthog. I'll refrain from sharing names because she may one day come across this, and completely outing one bully is enough for one blog (Lucky you Mitch.) But my mother reminded me that in high school, this warthog of a girl said to me "You know why I didn't like you in middle school? Because you had frizzy hair." I SO wish that I could go back to that moment and respond "Well, I can fix my hair, but you can't fix your face. So, you lose."  Facebook shows that she is still warthoggy, just a more mature warthoggy. That's the most ironic part about bullies- they're usually ugly and awkward too. They are just ugly and awkward with big mouths who decide to beat everyone else to it by being the first to start being mean, so that no one will call them out on their lesser points. I like to think they get theirs when they get older. I mean, it can't be easy growing up looking like a warthog. I know I sound bitter, and I think I deserve to be just a little bit, because it seriously sucks to get picked on, and sucks worse when you think of great quippy responses 12 years later.

To all the kids currently going through it out there, being bullied- just remember this. Your "Mitch Sklawers" will also grow up to be ugly.  If not physically, most people don't ever get the ugly out of their hearts. And there is nothing worse in this world than an ugly heart.  So hold on and know that "This too shall pass" (which was my quote underneath my picture in the 8th grade yearbook when I was graduating middle school. I was a wise one at 13.)  And to the bullies- think twice before you pick on the skinny kid. Or the fat kid. Or the frizzy hair or busted teeth or stutterers... there's a good chance they will grow up to be cooler/hotter/more successful than you.  We all have to go through an awkward phase, and it sucks to peak in middle or high school. No one has it easy when they're young, no sense in making it even harder for those who are still waiting to come out of their shells. Nicer kids are always, ALWAYS the cooler kids. Period.

 

Ten years later. Suck it Sklawer.

Me at my 10 year high school reunion with old drama class friends Kate and Sam.

The Hunger(y for love) Games

Well, it appears as though over a year ago I tried to start a "30 day blogging challenge" and I got about 3 blogs in before said "challenge" sunk my blog. I guess being told what I had to write about intimidated me in much the same way it did when I took my SAT's 100 years ago.  So I just stopped writing.  And now, over a year later... what is it that brings my back to my good old trusty blog? Why it's that pesky old twenty-something angst... that annoying life ingredient that sends most of us out to find ways creative to vent/cope. Some people indulge in drugs, some in drunken karaoke nights... tonight, I choose to blog.
You know what's an overdone topic of complaint in this world? Girls in their late twenties struggling to find love in a massive city filled with obstacles at every turn. Know what I am? .... That. (well, early twenties if you're a casting director reading this. "Can play high school.")  The last thing the internet world needs is another blog whining about how hard it is to find love. And to that point I say- fuck you this is my blog and I need to write this to get it out, damnit.
It's funny... we go through these spurts in life. When I had the boyfriend, I wanted the career to pick up. When I lost the boyfriend, I desperately wanted the boyfriend back. When I finally let go of the idea that I would ever get back with the boyfriend (and in retrospect, thank GOD that never happened), the career started to pick up. Now that the career seems to be moving in the right direction- I'm lonely. What the? Why are we so damned needy and never quite 100% satisfied?? And is it possible to have both? Well in my desperation for both, I have made some pretty stupid decisions in the last year in the men department. I'll go into more detail of that in my memoirs in a few years but let's just say, I've made decisions that I'm not all that proud of. I've surprised even myself, and I find myself worse for wear now when all is said and done.  Do I regret my bad choices? No. I try to have no regrets and I chock it up to life experience. Am I done making my bad decisions? No, not until I find something better to take said bad decisions place.  But damn, it's tough out there.  In a moment of hormonal late-twenties panic a few weeks ago, I joined an online dating site on a whim. Now I KNOW what you're thinking... Erica, haven't we been through this already? Don't you already have an entire blog entry about the very harrowing subject of online dating?  And to you I say... fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... what the hell am I doing?  Yes! It's true. I already KNEW what a mess I was subscribing to when I clicked "Join".  And yet... that is how desperate I am feeling right now.  So once again I have thrown myself to the barracudas disguised in cheesy usernames, blurry pictures and trying-too-hard self summaries. And already a few weeks later, I'm regretting it. I feel more hopeless than ever as I sift through message after message and feel like the most shallow person on Earth judging people solely on their pictures. Last week I threw myself into dating much like a gladiator throwing himself into a lion's den. So far, all I've gotten out of it is a couple of free coffee's and dinner. One lawyer/mathematician I went out with pummeled me so hard with question after question, cutting off my answers mid-way through with a new inquiry- that I wasn't sure if I was on a date or on the witness stand. I started looking for an out when he pointed at my hair and said "so what's the deal with that, is that real?" (regarding my color.)  Ah, be-still my heart. And he's just one of many winners. I'm trying to practice all of these "give people a chance" principles I'm learning in my latest self-help book. But damn, some of these guys make it real hard.  I'm already ready to be done with the online dating because it feels like an annoying chore, but I may stay on it SOLELY for entertainment purposes and maybe because it will get me blogging again.
I wish I wasn't this lonely. I wish I could kick that stupid feeling and just continue to go around kicking ass as a single gal all day every day.  And most of the time when I'm busy, it's all good, I'm totally okay. But it's moments when I'm alone, usually at night, that I start to get all Meg Ryan on myself.  It really would be nice to find the proper companion.  And I want to find him, I really do- as jaded and "independent woman" as I try to be.  So I'm going to keep searching dangit. Maybe not for long on the interwebs because I really don't see that working out... but by continuing to do what I love with my life in hopes that it will also put me on that path where I will run smack dab into him when the timing is right. (I just hope he's better looking than Tom Hanks.)
Stay tuned for more interesting "dating" stories....

Day 3- Booze and cookies.

Day 03 - Your views on drugs cookies and alcohol

As this is a public forum, I'd prefer to keep my views on drugs to myself but will happily discuss my views on cookies, as well as my general opinion on alcohol.

Let's start with the latter. I have never been much of a huge drinker, most likely on account of I weigh 2 pounds which makes me a useless lightweight who is DONE after about two drinks. Drinking has never really done it for me, and especially now in my ripe old age I don't find myself going out of my way to drink too often. I also have the pleasure of WORKING in bars so if I do want to drink, I can usually do it for free, which means that is usually where I do it. (Always after work. I can't drink on the job, I'll fall asleep. Nobody wants a sleeping waitress/karaoke host.) I think alcohol in moderation is fine. I don't think people who drink every day are cute. Sorry, I just don't. But as long as you can handle yourself and you DO NOT GET BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A CAR after drinking, I don't have a problem with alcohol, or the people who consume it. It's only when it causes "mature adults" to get up on chairs/tables at my bar, strip off some of their clothing and start humping each other maniacally while screaming the lyrics to "Don't Stop Believin'" that I really hate it. Watch yourselves, people!

As far as cookies go- well I am all about cookies. You might even say I am a cookie addict. (It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alright...) Cookies are great for your emotional health, your overall mood, and most importantly- your taste buds. Ain't nothin' wrong with an addiction to cookies!

Day 2- 10 years from now

Day 02: Where you'd like to be in 10 years

Hmmm. Interestingly enough- one of the neatest things about my life is that I haven't even the slightest IDEA of where I will be in 10 years-- and I am totally cool with that. In 10 years I will be 37 (holy crap)... and of COURSE I'm hoping by then to be happily married and with at least one kid... which is actually a very scary concept when I think of how quickly 10 years can go by. (I have a way lot I want to do on my own before the whole kids thing.) I don't know where in the world i'll be- I'm seriously up for anything. I imagine in 10 years i'll finally be "done" with New York City and hopefully be living somewhere suburban and nice, populated with nice people. (Forgot what those are like!) No matter what I'm doing for a career at that point, I know i'll still be performing in some aspect, because I just have to- that's what fuels me. I will sing for the rest of my life, whether it be on Broadway, a cruise ship, or in the local Jewish Community Center's spring production of "Gypsy". I'm not picky. As long as i'm happy, healthy, and surrounded by loving people I will be thrilled! That's all I hope for in the next 10 years. In the next 10 minutes- I plan on changing out of my pajamas and getting down to my friend Shaun's house so we can eat a heart-shaped pizza, bitch about our love lives (or lack thereof), watch trashy TV and bake cookies. Sounds like a pretty perfect Valentines Day to me.

Happy V-Day!

30 Day challenge- Day 1- Single Life

Every time I think about blogging I panic. "What will I write about? How can I keep my (3) readers interested?? What do I have to say for myself??" I still haven't quite figured out a "theme" for this here blog yet. (Which is fine since the title covers it all. Ummm... Erica. That's pretty much all you're gonna get.)

In order to give myself SOME structure (30 days worth to be exact), I've decided to take the 30 day meme that's floating around on LJ (old school, I know) and post my answers here. Without further ado, here's 30 things you probably weren't dying to know about me but are sure to find (mildly) fascinating (they will be answered one entry at a time):

Day 01: Your current relationship. If single, discuss being single

Day 02: Where you'd like to be in 10 years

Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 04 - Your views on religion
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit
Day 14 - Your earliest memory
Day 15 - Your favorite blogs
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year
Day 18 - Your beliefs
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents
Day 20 - How important you think education is
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous and who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you?
Day 27 - A problem that you have had
Day 28 - Something that you miss
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days

DAY 01: Your current relationship. If you are single, discuss being single

Yes loyal readers it is true, I am currently involved in a sordid relationship- with myself. I think this is a very appropo question to start with because it has been a topic at the forefront of my mind/therapy sessions lately. Those who have known me for a while know that I do not normally fair well in the world of singledom. I do not typically enjoy being single and/or lonely- hence my penchant for imaginary friends that started as a toddler and mayormaynotstillcontinuetothisday. I've never been good at being alone, and ever since my first official boyfriend at the age of 17, I've bounced in and out of relationships much like Lindsay Lohan bounces in and out of jail/rehab. Those who know my most recent history know I've been "technically" single for a little over 2 years but "more realistically" single for about 10 months. This is one of the longest stretches of single life that I've had, and it hasn't been easy- until recently. I can honestly say that for the first time in my LIFE, I am embracing being single. And you know what? Once I made the decision to, it hasn't been half bad! Here's what I realized: When you're single, you get to do whatever the hell you want. There is no one to answer to, no one to explain yourself to, no one to impress, no one to worry about. Everything is about me. And as selfish as that sounds- it's important to recognize that (despite having a self-titled blog and 1200 pictures on facebook), I never make it about me. I have spent the majority of my life making it about everyone else around me. I am a people pleaser and spent the bulk of my youth trying to change and mold myself to impress others because for some reason it was important that the mean girls in middle school liked me (or at least stopped making fun of me), or that the "cool kids" in high school embraced me. I have been doing a TON of soul searching in the past 2 years... all that "searching for myself" stuff... and I've finally found it. Without having anyone I feel a need to impress or mold myself for- I can just be me, and be happy that way. And I really do like me, she's actually pretty cool. Ironically, this is supposed to be the thing that draws the "right" people to me and eventually the man of my dreams is supposed to run into me at a Starbucks or something. In the meantime, I'm enjoying being a single girl in NYC. I get to date whomever/whenever I want, go out and party when I feel like it, and watch all of my friends around me in pain-in-the-ass relationships complain while I plan my next Vegas adventure/ski trip/Jersey Shore-marathon-dinner-extravaganza.

The Misadventures of Online Dating

On December 7th of 2010, I hit the two year Anniversary of my own personal "Day that will live in Infamy" (coincidentally mine lands on the same day as the famed one of 1941)... This marks the day that my last relationship of almost 2 years was blown to smithereens much like Pearl Harbor was 67 years prior. (Too soon?... neh.) Around my birthday a few weeks before, with the pending anniversary of my last major heartbreak looming... I decided it was time to take some drastic measures. After all, Carrie Bradshaw would have me believe that I've wasted entirely too much time on such a thing... I was way past the due date for "moving on". Like it or not, it was time for me to fling myself into the deep end of one of the most un-welcoming and treacherous pools of life- the dating pool.

Now I know what you're thinking... "Wow, dating in NYC! What an adventure!" I am here to assure you however, that you are sorely mistaken. You see, searching for love in New York City is much like searching for a needle in a mine field. In my particular case it is made extra hard when you consider the types of places that I frequent (musical auditions and piano bars), which are chock full of GORGEOUS, sweet and incredible men- who just so happen to only want to sleep with other men. Womp womp. So for me, it's pretty rare to find myself in locations loaded with suitable straight guys. Confused as to how to go about visiting such places when all of my female companions are already shacked up and taken, I decided to skip past awkwardly going out alone and hop straight onto the nitty gritty ominous road of online dating. (Dun dun dun...)

Armed with an arsenal of headshots, sarcastic descriptions of myself, and a generous grant from my all-too-eager parents (*on the CONDITION that along with my site of choice, I also join their beloved J-Date... the Jewish guilt rages on, even as I'm inching towards the big 3-0), I created my profiles and got in the game. Half-reluctant, quarter-hopeful, and quarter-desperate, I slowly started to peek through other profiles and watched the messages, winks, and "oy-vey's" fly in. It's exciting for about the first 30 minutes, until you realize that you're sifting through pictures of human beings the way you sift through paint swatches when considering a new change in the living room. Two months and almost 200 messages later, this journey has been quite a whirlwind already... and to be honest, the most that I have gotten from it are some stories that serve as great blog fodder. Hence, this blog that I am writing right now.

Let me introduce you to some gems:

Incident one: PERSISTENT PETER.

Ah, the beloved Peter. Probably the gemmiest of the gems. This is a 38-year old divorcee who closely resembled the human-form of a salamander. Even his profile picture screamed "I just might keep human body parts in my fridge". He sent me a couple "VIP" messages, which meant that I HAD to read them (the website forces you.) Just by the looks and sound of him I was definitely not interested, and ignored his first two VIP emails. This was the 3rd I received:

"No offense, and I know that I may not fit your exact plan, but you would have loved meeting me. I know that sounds ridiculous to the ear but it is true. I think that you are incredibly attractive. I am a former athlete, I write music, I make everyone and anyone laugh, I am a great listener, I am incredibly successful at what I do, but i don't take myself too seriously and am involved in all kinds of charities that would melt your heart. anyway, after you meet another 30 guys and get no where, you should seriously rethink responding to me before i get myself too deep into something else."
Peter

Oh. My. LORD! Was this guy FOR REAL?? For those of you who have heard the "Dmitri the Stud" voice mails... this is where my mind went immediately. My very own Dmitri! (For those who haven't, you must!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZ83use8YE8) Charities that would "melt my heart"?? Respond before he gets himself too deep into something else?? (Like a sexual harassment suit or something?) This guy was hilarious! But in all the wrong ways. Once again, I let the message go unanswered. Bad idea. The very next day, another message:

"this gadget said that you looked at my profile again. With my hand over my heart, I swear that you would have more fun with me than you would with anyone that you can possibly find here or anywhere (you have to give me a little credit for having the gumption to make that claim). I really am certain of it. Even if you spoke on the phone with me for two minutes you could tell. Peter"

The reason the "gadget" told Peter I was looking at him, was because I wanted to rub in my moms face the caliber of men that were after me on J-date like unfed dogs on a piece of (kosher) meat. I read the first message out loud to my family in the car and we all had a look at his pictures and a good laugh at his expense. I still could not believe that this guy and his "gumption" were real. Again, I ignored it.

Apparently, he's persistent:

"i think one day, in a moment of unexplained conviction (not confusion) you are going to ask me to meet you for coffee or a drink (or at least speak on the phone). You may find this shocking, but I really get lots of messages on this very surreal web site. I just have a feeling that I would make you laugh and that you might be surprised."

Finally I gave in and wrote him back. I told him he was right, he HAS made me laugh, but not in the way he intended. I asked him to please stop pestering me and take the hint that I've given 4 times now- I am not responding because I am not interested. He FINALLY got the message. And thus endeth the saga of the Peter. I'm just glad it's not my skin he's wearing tonight as he applies red lipstick and dances around in his basement cave...

INCIDENT 2: WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' MILKSHAKES.

I can't remember the name of the guy in this story. We will call him D-bag, and I will let you figure for yourselves what that might stand for. In this case, D-bag and I exchange pleasantries via email, and he asks me out. I agree, and suggest coffee. He writes back that he's not really a coffee drinker, and can we grab a drink instead? I'm not the biggest drinker in the world. I work in bars and can drink for free if the mood strikes me, but otherwise I don't tend to go out of my way for it. I especially don't like to drink in situations with new men that I have never met, when I am trying to give an accurate first impression of myself. I tell him that I'm not the biggest drinker and would prefer a first date outside of a bar, and I playfully suggest milkshakes instead.

D-Bags response:

"Haha I'm not sure I can remember the last time I had a milkshake. To be honest, I'm not really at the stage in my life where I'm doing coffee (or milkshakes) on a first date so no hard feelings but I'm not sure this is such a great idea."

And thus endeth my correspondence with the alcoholic who is "not in the stage in his life where he can roll with the punches, have a good time and treat a lady like the lady she deserves to be treated like". I fish back to his profile, and am reminded that this guy wasn't even cute, he was one of the "less attractive ones" I was willing to give a chance to. C'est la vie.

This... along with almost 200 messages (85% of them from people I'm not interested in) does not exactly have me singing the praises of online dating. I have been on a number of dates... some pleasant with great conversation but guys I don't feel that chemistry with, some absolute disasters (one in which I literally had to dodge a kiss and crawl out of the guys grasp while jumping onto a train and avoiding eye contact as I left him bumbling for words on the platform). Already, I'm tired of the game. It's hard to be excited to go on dates with people you've only seen in an online form. No matter how many pictures you look at, it's ALWAYS a blind date- and those are scary and have the most potential for super suckage. Think about it, if you HAPPEN to get lucky and meet someone one night while you're out and about, and you find yourselves attracted to each other and feel that great chemistry- then YES, of course it's exciting when you arrange a first date together. You know that you like this person, you get the excitement and butterflies, and all the John Mayer songs make sense (until he most likely spends the date texting someone else or has a secret Jesus fetish you didn't know about. What, me? Bitter? Nooo!) But when you are setting up date after date with someone you haven't had the chance to test the actual chemistry with... it gets quite exhausting. Not to mention, having to tell your story over and over again.

Here are some of the lessons I've learned about online dating:

1. A guy is only as cute as his WORST picture. (And a lot of the time, even that is better looking than he turns out to be.)

2. I don't like foreigners. Now, this is not one of my usual "oops is that racist?" moments... I have nothing against foreigners in the rest of the areas of my life (um hello, I miss my former Mexican roommate more than LIFE and I adore the Korean ladies that do my nails.) I just mean that it's hard to date someone from another country- especially ones with thick accents that I don't understand (I'm looking at you French people). Now more than ever I am so so so sure that my attraction to white anglo-saxons (mostly from the Midwest) is not at all coincidental- it's just my "thang". And lack of 'em on J-date be damned... there's got to be at least ONE amongst the billions of people in the world that will suit my (and my parents?) needs.

3. It is never ever cute to hear how "hot" you think I am. This is never a good pick up line! I don't know why guys are CONSTANTLY using it! This is NOT a good first impression, and I can't stand when it's the first line in a message. I am hot, and you are clearly inarticulate and insensitive. NEXT.

4. Out of all of the things on the list that I am looking for in a man, blue eyes continue to trump all other requirements. I am probably skipping over a lot of great guys who are lacking in this arena. But this goes back to the "paint swatch" theory of online dating.

5. It is impossible to find chemistry this way. True, honest-to-goodness "I looked into his eyes and then I could not look away because my knees locked and my heart started to pound and I could feel my cheeks blushing" chemistry is SUCH a rare thing. I walk the streets of this packed city every day and look into the eyes of hundreds of people and it's so rare to ever feel any sort of connection. So what makes people think that by sifting through online profiles, finding someone who seems cute and interesting, and meeting in person is going to render up that nearly impossible-to-find feeling? The odds are SOOOOOOOOO damn near impossible. This is the biggest lesson I've taken away from this experience.

It happens when you're not looking. That's the message they've all been beating me on the head with for two years. And I shake my defiant noggin' and wonder HOW in hell I'm supposed to just "stop" looking for something that every part of me wants so badly? I can tell myself a hundred times a day "stop looking stop looking stop looking", but I still get a little Pavlov's dog-like when I lock irises with another pair of blues for a moment. In spite of how nutty I find the "happens when you're not looking" concept to be... it is absolutely true. I was recently smacked in the face with some proof of that, which leaves me hopeful. Life is funny like that- in the one moment that you really do finally stop... perhaps because you're in a place where it's silly to be looking, or you just get so wrapped up in something else (like, I don't know... living your own life?), it falls on you with the force of 3,000 dead birds in Arkansas. (That's right. I read some news today.)

So that's the goal for now. To just, "stop looking". Online dating has forced me to get out and be social, which was the whole reason I joined in the first place. I wanted to experience "dating" again. I wanted to remember what it's like to talk about myself on a completely clean slate, to be TREATED, and WELL by a man (ah what a welcome change), and to re-build my confidence as I continue wading through this mine-field, not really looking for anything in particular.

bus rides are my life?

I don't know why it is I can only seem to be motivated to blog when I'm on a megabus. Once again i'm en route from Boston to NYC after a singing gig with a dance company out there. I'm actually almost home (at 2am. Yippee!) I should've blogged on the way TO Boston because that ride was a lot more eventful. And by eventful I mean harrowing. Oh that's right... I COULDN'T blog on that trip because for one, the internet on the bus was down. I know what all of you born pre-1975 are saying.... "oh you poor thing... having to ride a bus without the internet?? How could you possibly survive?" And to you I say.... I know, right?? Seriously though, it was an annoyance since I dragged my computer on this trip solely for the purpose of hoping to get work done on the long bus rides. (And by work we know I mean update facebook every 14 minutes and click on various unneccessary links for 4 hours. But hey, I worked on my resume a little bit and stuff so- work actually did happen on this trip back!) Back to the nightmare that was my trip up... so here I was, sans internet/computer... having to do everything through my iPhone (PROPS to my iPhone by the way. What would I do without it?) Eventually it decided it wanted me to rip some of my hair out so the touch screen decided to go wonky on me and stop working properly. I ended accidentally deleting an important email while simultaneously sending a nonsensical one to the wrong address. I have no idea how that was even possible, but it happened. After a reboot the phone started working normally again (thankfully.) All was ok, until the woman seated behind me started getting more phone calls than TSA's complaint department. It was made all the more annoying by the fact that she was speaking in French, and was clearly either hard of hearing or Linklater trained judging by the intense volume of her voice. When we were SUPPOSED to be an hour away from Boston, we got stuck in dead-stop traffic. We sat there on the highway for an hour without moving. When we finally started again I figured okay we'll be a bit behind... but BOY was I wrong. I looked up to see we were only by Hartford! So a 4 hour bus ride was really actually going to take 6 hours. The icing on the cake though, was the man sitting next to me. This man decided hey, I'm on a 4 hour bus, might as well sleep. Not a bad plan right? WRONG for this man. This man was a snorer. And I don't mean a bit of heavy breathing here and there. I'm talking he must have had a dying hampster lodged in his throat and vuvuzela's implanted in each nostril because I have never ever heard such LOUD and irritating noises coming out of a human being. And this continued on... getting louder and louder for the most part... for 3 hours. THREE HOURS. Let me tell you something- there is not much I can think of that is more irritating than the grating sound of a loud and obnoxious snore going on for 3 hours. After the 3 hour mark I could feel myself starting to really panic. The thing about me is, I'm pretty darn passive. I will bubble up with all of the anger/annoyance in the world but I will keep that all to myself and suffer in silence. I tried shoving his foot with mine a couple times, to no avail. But it was really starting to break me. I was like, near panic at some points. Seriously, I had to take half a valium it was that bad! I had my ipod on and BLASTING in my ears, and still I could hear him. The rest of the bus could too, and we all joked about it a couple times. I even tried blasting my music out loud for the bus to hear in hopes that he'd wake up, but nothing. Eventually I called my mom and was complaining to her. My mom is the kind of woman who has NO problem waking up a total stranger and telling him to stop the damn snoring. She kept yelling at ME to just wake him up. Finally, after having her scream "DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT" in my ear over and over, I threw the phone onto the empty seat next to me, sucked up all of my courage and grabbed the man to wake him up. "Scuse me sir... I'm so sorry but... you've been snoring..." (Oh LORDDD was that awkward for me.) His response was "hey don't call me sir, i'm not that old!" but he did wake up and grab a book. Ahhhh success. I can't put the relief I felt into words (Although that was probably partly valium-induced too.) The rest of the ride was okay, except he eventually fell back asleep with the book open. Typical.
This ride home has been smooth and awesome. There are about 10 of us on this double decker bus. Only 2 other people on the first floor with me. I have a whole table to myself, my beloved internet, and we've cruised the whole time. I feel like i'm on a private jet, lol. Regardless, I think i'm staying away from long road trips for a while. I've been doing a LOT of them, and I feel like I just need to be home for a bit.
Oh by the way on an unrelated note- I turned 27 two weeks ago. It definitely does feel different than 26. It's been... a pretty emotionally heavy 2 weeks so I haven't been able to just sit back and "enjoy 27" just yet... but hopefully soon. I have big plans for 2011, I just haven't figured them out yet. I'll get back to you on that.