Tuesday, July 13, 2010

a New blog, and the Megabus

So I finally bit the bullet and created a blog. Mostly because my facebook status updates were getting longer and longer, and I found myself being forced to trim them in order to file whatever complaint it was that I was desperately trying to vent to the 800 acquaintances I share my life with via the internet. And twitter? 140 characters? I don't think so. Who can complain in 140 characters? Mormons. That's who. (Love to my mormons out there- go on with ya positive selves!) I don't like being told I need to hold back.
Don't get me wrong, this whole blog will not be chock full of complaints. I doubt too many people would want to read that. But I warn you now soon-to-be-faithful readers... I am Jewish, and there are three things we Jews do in excess: Eat, talk too loud, and complain. I am partial to the third. However, I am also a "struggling" artist in NYC so of course that means I'm in a constant state of "trying to find myself"... which has lead me to Yoga, self-help books on staying positive, and Panera's Iced green-tea. So if you're lucky, every now and then you'll catch me in my "positivity" mode posting something that will undoubtedly change your life (probably not, I can't back that up. But still, it'll be good.)

TODAY'S post however, WILL consist of mostly complaints. For at this very moment, I am writing to you from the Megabus. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be on the Megabus because I am headed for one of my new favorite cities- Boston, and I am excited to get away from the fresh aroma of body odor and toasted homeless-pee-strewn sidewalks of New York City. But already things are not going so well for me on this bus. First of all, I was under the impression (don't ask me why, because I have no excuse) that my bus was leaving at 12:30. I was wrong, it was leaving at 12:15. But since I thought it was 12:30 I left at 11:15 thinking i'd have PLENTY of time to dilly-dally. I took my sweet time getting there... stopped at Quizno's, etc. Thank GOODNESS it started raining when I left with my sammies, because had it not, I would've skipped happily over to Duane Reade for chocolate, as I'm having a serious crack-addict-like craving right now. But because it was drizzling, I decided I'd better just high-tail it over to Madison Square Garden, where the bus picks up. I figured hey, this way I'll get there early- maybe I can get one of those fancy table seats! I sauntered up to the bus area at precisely 12:14... and approached one of the lines inquiring if they were Boston-bound. "Um no... that's the one boarding over there..." said the nice young man I asked. (Clearly he is not from NYC, or he would've told me to F off. {this blog will be as curse-word-free as possible.}) So I was like WOW, we're boarding early, sweet! Won't have to stand in the rain too long! (It's hard balancing 3 bags, an umbrella and a fountain pepsi with just two hands.) I made it JUST in the nick-of-time. And let me tell you what- those ghetto Megabus employees shuffling people onto the bus? They mean biz-nass. I imagine it's similar to how the check-in process at concentration camps must've been- if concentration camps were in Harlem, and "Jews" were replaced with "Hispanics". (Most Jews avoid public transportation whenever possible.) There was one non-english speaking family that I guess one of the members was missing a ticket, And these Megabus Nazi's were barking orders at the ticketed ones to "GET ON THE BUS! WE LEAVIN'!"... the young spanish boy holding the back door open was frantically looking back and forth in a panic- Air-conditioned safe-haven to Boston? Or work harder to get Tio Paco (*names have been changed to protect the innocent/feed my racist streak) on the bus... in the end, I think he said screw Tio Paco and went upstairs for a window seat. I was one of the last people to get on the bus, and guess where I've ended up? You know it- the dreaded bathroom seat. I am parked RIGHT next to that lovely porthole that reeks of 1000 years of defecation, formaldehyde, and a dash of anti-bacterial soap for good measure. Yum. Could be worse though, at least I don't have to share this seat. (I'm the only one dumb enough to sit here.) Hey, this way I get to keep a tally on who uses the loo the most on this trip. Then I can give them that knowing look of shame whenever they pass me. I just hope no one ate Taco Bell before getting on this bus.
I remember Megabus having a lot more leg room than what I currently have- and I think that's because every other seat on this bus DOES have more legroom... but since I'm at the back by the backdoor, my seat is just a tad bit closer to the one in front of me than the rest of them. This means I've got the Israeli man in front of me who decided to recline as far as possible sitting in my lap. Under better circumstances I might not mind an Israeli in my lap but, this is not the way these things should be done.
Upon take-off, I carefully maneuvered my backpack so that it balanced between the seat next to me and the seat in front of that one. I then slipped my fountain pepsi into the bottleholder on the side of my backpack, and thought this was ingenious of me. Instant cup-holder! Oh the brilliance. All was peachy in my world, until the D-bag bus driver decided to take a sharp right turn, and my bag and cup-holder went flying into the aisle- my beloved pepsi with it. Whoops.
So that was a great start to the ride. I only hope the pepsi that made it all over the outside of my backpack doesn't make it's way inside to the only clothing I brought with me. But I wouldn't be surprised.
Lastly on the lists of complaints- is the man who is DYING across the aisle from me. REALLY?
One thing I have picked up from living in NYC for 4 years, is a manic hysteria when it comes to germs. Everywhere you go in NYC, someone is trying to give you AIDs by coughing all over the subway/sneezing on the bus, etc. It makes me CRAZY. So of course i'm parked right next to a heavy-set man who must have the swine flu/plague/tuberculosis. How anyone can cough and sneeze like that and still get on a public bus with a bunch of unsuspecting healthy people- the nerve! Of course whatever it is that he has, i'm going to catch it, and it will probably take my life/ruin my career/make me infertile. I am clutching my pepsi for dear life, covering the straw with all of my might and trying not to breath. But I've got 4 more hours to go so, it's not looking good for me. Crap I should've sat upstairs with the illegals. (I just asked Jeremy via facebook if it's rude to write "the illegals" and he said "It's necessary". So I did it. Thanks Jer.)
I'm excited for this short trip. I will be competing in a karaoke contest against Quincy's finest drunken A-holes, rehearsing for an upcoming fundraiser, and probably just trying to stay out of the rain for most of it (::shakes fist at Mother Nature for always thwarting my plans...::). I look forward to seeing my Boston friends, and just not being in New York City for two days. Sounds Heavenly.
Welcome to my blog... let's see if I keep this fad up longer than my stint with Wiccan crystal healing.


  1. YES! I'm so glad you have a blog! I will be your #1 commentor.

    This post made me feel so anxious. I can't do the public transportation thing, either! I hope you make it to Boston in one piece, without catching swine flu!

  2. You'll be my ONLY commentor for awhile, since I have no idea how to operate this crazy thing or get readers to pity me enough to join me on here, lol. Thanks Erin!

  3. i pity you erica. i pity you.

    but for realz- that bus ride sounded like a recent flight i took on american. similar "illegals" situation- more trying to communicate with the non able to communicate in english.